The Story of Us: Wayne Kelly Lecus Sr.

This story is about a man whom I shared three years of life, until his death on April 23rd 2014. I learn valuable lessons with his life and passing—to realize that life is just as spectrum of possibilities between good and no so good experiences. We born, we grow, we learn and when everything is in place in accordance with our life plan, then we die—to move on to another realm or perhaps another life.

Here is the story of us…

Our story begin in the spring of 2011, Wayne was an US Navy veteran who after several stumbles through his life, he arrived on March 11, to the Veteran Assistance Program of Union Grove for Homeless Veterans—with the hope to find relief for his pains and get his life back. As an US Army veteran myself, I arrived to the same place on April 17^th, and after grieving my own personal lost, I met Wayne on April 23, 2011.

He came to my dining table and presented himself, “Hi, My name is Wayne, glad to meet you”. I looked at him and thought that this is just another crazy gringo of the facility, but I shook his hand and from there a great friendship started that turn later on in the most amazing love story experienced by both of us. We worked together at this center helping other homeless veterans like us. We did everything together from cooking, travel, going to festivals, theaters, but the most thing we enjoyed, was fishing.


We were so different in many ways: He was Navy, I was Army, he was from USA and I am from Puerto Rico. He was a rebel against the law while I was a Law Enforcement officer in Mississippi.

However, the strong bond among us, was the experience to lose everything and everyone important in our lives—becoming homeless.

Wayne was a happy goer that seems like anything didn’t worry him, despite that all his sorrows were eating him inside. He was the kind of human being that went the extra mile for anyone in need, despite not having money or health to complete the task. He was always joking even when at times, he was the only one laughing. He was never in self-pity and often he didn’t allow his past, to put him down. He lived every minute of his life like it was his last—nothing can’t wait for tomorrow, he had to do it today. Little by little this crazy gringo, took my heart and soul when we fall in love.

That amazing day was a 4 of July of 2011, we were at the Eagle Lake of Racine County—fishing. We sat there for a while waiting for the fish to bite. When we started to share our lives stories and what brought us to be homeless. We noticed that among all the difference between us, we were just human beings that made mayor mistakes and dearly paid for it. That day, we cried together while laced in each other arms and then we kiss for the first time. I knew then, that I just met my soul mate.

It’s ironic—about our lives path, how different but the same. During our military careers, we were in the same places—but we missed each other, either by a couple of months or a year. Often we recall on this and agreed that we might not like each other if we were met then, as much as we did through the last 3 years of our lives together.

When I was down, he was always trying to cheer me up—he used to sing me the song “You are my sunshine and my only sunshine, you made me happy when times are grey” For Wayne, no matter the hardships, he was always optimistic and resourceful—what he couldn't get, he will build it, that was sure—he was a handy man against the odds.

As homeless, we raised each other from the ground up, we were proactive and driven to get our lives back or better for what they were and we accomplished that with love. I helped him through all his health problems. In two occasions, he was close to death—first with a busted appendicitis on November 2011, then he spend 14 days in the hospital, from which he was in ICU for 7 days on August 2012, where he was experiencing all the emotions he can hold with double pneumonia and first stages of COPD. Wayne was not the healthiest guy, with a broken back and many health issues—but to me, he was a perfect man. We always looked beyond what we lack, to see-- just our souls.

We did everything together, and when apart—we couldn't wait to be with each other again. We spoiled rotten each other—he was a great cook, while I kept buying him Coke and tools and taking care of his body pains. He was the kind of man that kept my house clean and supper ready at the end of my work day. He knew the time I was arriving and he always was at the door to give me a kiss, saying “Hi Babe, I missed you—get ready I have a great supper for you”. By the time I changed my work clothes, he served my dinner first then his—we end our day, watching TV while talking about everything and doing plans for the next day. He was very romantic and loving with me—always giving his heart and soul on everything we do together. We loved to go to thrift stores where we bought damage goods and restore to new. We went fishing every time we could—gosh we got so many fun days and stories from those fishing days. Nether less to say, at times we didn't get any fish, but Wayne was able to find things in the road that we end up taking with us.

Wayne was indeed a lucky man in many ways, even when finding stuffs on the roads. He even found money at 45 miles per hour. That day I was driving him into Racine, when he begged me to turn around because he saw something—I pleased him despite I was complaining about it and sure enough he spot a $20 dollar bill. That event to Wayne, was like he won the lotto—nevertheless to say that we end up going to the movies for free, Thanks to the extraordinary eye sight of Wayne. Other than fishing, Wayne loved to play mechanic with his car and everyone’s cars—pretty often he shine through it.




One time, we both were tasked to go to a Catholic elementary school to give a
speech about our military lives. Wayne was nervous and anxious about it. I was worry about how he will direct himself to these kids, since Wayne can say crazy stuffs at times. I bought him clothes and shoes for this event, went online and got him Navy pictures for our power point presentation. All I told him was, “talk about what you know and let it flow—but please don’t embarrassed me”. I was sweating bullets as he approached to face the class room. However, Wayne not only impressed those kids but really surprised me with his calm collected speech and his Navy knowledge. He indeed was a jack of all trades.




His driven desire was to become healthy and stop drinking and smoking—which he accomplished it. He stopped drinking for the last 3 years of his life and stopped smoking since August 2012. He even went to college for two semester to obtain a degree in CAD design—that he couldn’t finish due to his health.
He did everything, always thinking about his two sons, for which he lived in regrets for let them down and unable to stand for them—he only wanted for them to feel proud of him. I helped him to get his social security benefits for him to accomplish getting his life back. His ultimate goal was to get his sons back in his life—to give them a good life with the best he could, with true love. He loved those kids so dearly—he was trying to do the impossible to get them back. I supported him all the way—despite I knew deep inside me, he will not be successful in this task. I helped him to get an apartment and did my best to furnished it—I did it, for him to have a good start and to stop being homeless as he was from 2006.

While all this, in the past 3 years of his life, I was there in his every moments of laughter, his joys and sorrows. His last two weeks were not the greatest—starting with April 14^th 2014 when he lost his sons for the second time. I came from work to found Wayne crying for his kids—while going through all the human emotions you can think of. I told him, not to worry that life goes on, that at least his kids knows that he tried.
I raised him again through the fun stuffs we used to do and he was content but sad. Two days before his death, he was not doing well health wise, he was consuming by his back pain. I nurtured him the best I could and took care of him. On April 23, 2014 I woke up as usual to head out to work. He got up and asked me if I wanted for him to make me breakfast for which I told him “No honey, go back to bed and rest—take it ease today”. At the moment of leaving, I brushed his hair, caressed his face and gave him a sweet kiss on his lips—telling him “I love you babe, see ya’ when I return home”—he responded “I love you too, you have a great day, see ya’ later”.

I wanted to call sick that day, but went to work. All day, I felt wrong—despite my discontent with the job with its daily driving from Burlington to Milwaukee. Last time I talked on the phone with Wayne was during my lunch at 11:00 am. He talked to neighbors, friends and the landlord before he decided to work on his car around 3:00 pm for what I was told. I arrived home around 6:45 pm, when I got into the parking I saw him under his car—I thought he was working under it, so I parked my car someplace else. Came down to him and told him to stop working on his car but he didn't respond. That is when I noticed something was terribly wrong. I panic, tried to raise the car off him but couldn't, I screamed my heart out in that parking lot asking for help but no one heard me. I called the police which they responded quickly but it was too late, Wayne was gone for a long while before my arrival for what I was told by police.

None of you, have any idea what I felt that day of his death—I saw my whole world crushed under that car realizing that I lost my soul mate. Wayne to me was everything, he was my home to come to, the love of my life, my best friend—the human being that truly tough me what love is really about. How ironic life can be, we born and we lived through life with its ups and downs, living every possible human experience we can have, good or bad—without realizing that can be gone in a split second. With him gone, life for me will not be the same ever again. The 3 years that we spend together to us was like 20, but something I can say—Wayne was loved and happy in his end days, despite of the life turns that tried to keep him down in every turn. He might be gone physically but I know he is everywhere in spirit—with no more pain and sorrows.

~~~*~~~

Wayne’s funeral was on April 27th 2014, after the wake his body was cremated and taken to the Wisconsin Veteran’s Home of Union Grove, Wisconsin where he got a Military burial as it was his wish.





The ceremony was short and sweet, but with all the respect that Wayne deserved as a US Navy Veteran. The gathering was of family and close friends, as well few of us that share time with Wayne while being homeless at the Veteran’s Transition housing of Union Grove. During the sound of taps and salute, myself and all the veterans friends of Wayne, stand up to salute Wayne as the gun salute took place.




The American Flag was fold over the remaining of Wayne, with the respect and silence particular of these ceremonies.







The American Flag was given to Wayne’s mother.  Who I saw placing the flag over her chest as the Navy Officer was saluting for the last time.






After all this, Wayne’s ashes were carry by US Navy personnel, while Wayne’s parents walk in front of them. Wayne’s resting place is the Veterans Home Cemetery of Union Grove Wisconsin. He is at the wall facing the street and behind the flags,  Grave no. 2-C






I am telling the story of this man, that I had the privilege to know him and being with him in the most loving relationship we ever have. not because he tough me life lessons in a short time of 3 years, but because his memory, his smile and unique personality I wanted to be on this page for years to come—hoping his sons will be able to see and cherish it, as I do today.

My dear Wayne, you became a blessing in my life they day I met you and I glad that I helped you and gave you and myself the best 3 years of our lives.

To you Wayne, My love  Happy Birthday!….. I will always love you. Liz Figueroa

 

In loving memory of  Wayne Kelly Lecus Sr

Born May 25 1963

Died April 23 2014

#waynelecus, #wayneklecus, #wayneklecussr,

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Who doesn’t kill you make you stronger.

     We go through a whole lifetime meeting people from all path of life as well places. Through that journey we keep some friends close while putting miles between those that no longer serve a purpose. I just turn 50 years old and while reminiscing about the people I have found in my path, I came to see that I don’t have many friends that I can trust or spend quality time with.

Most of my life I have been solo, never been the kind that follows the pack or identify with a specific group.

      I am more like a explorer, I like to try anything new or unknown, I like to go new places, meet new people, talk about any subject except politics and religion of course. However, there is something peculiar about people I have met. Like any other, I can say that I have met few drama queens from which I still wonder why they didn’t won an Oscar for their dramatic ways to face life, that still baffles me. On the other hand I have met the typical jerks, now—those should won the middle finger award, and that is been said in courteous ways, because on my book what they need is a severe kick in the butt for sure.

The drama queens and jerks have been around me most of my life but in the last 2 years, I have come to met the sociopath kind.

      Now, this sociopath kind is more likely the ones that you meet at work, you know this kind, is those that have no conscious, moral values or any remorse for their actions. Everything its about them and the rest can go to hell for what they care. I must said I have a hard time with this kind, since I just can’t figure out a human being lacking of compassion or not even think about consequence—”cause and effect”—through their life as well how they affect others.

     Since November 2011 to this present, I have met two sociopath, the first one

To Be Homeless…

     When the word “Homeless” comes to mind, we usually get the typical image of seeing someone dressing with dirty clothes, living in the streets begging for money or food. However, the meaning of being homeless can go deeper than the typical image.

To be homeless or anything else we want to be, is a choice.

Why is a choice? Because with every action, we take and in every thought, we have formulated in our minds, we choose our battles as well our sorrows. Yes, we choose also to be homeless.

The truth of this matter is that you do not have to be in the streets or living in a car, to be homeless.

Take for example the people

Happy 49th Birthday To Me!

     Most women when reaching certain age, they stop celebrating their birthdays for any given reason. However, I can say I am the exception to the rule , because I have so many reasons for celebrating life itself no matter where my travels have taken me.

  I remember saying back in the days when I was 16 years old “I won’t make it to my 20th”. Gosh I was quite wrong on that one! .

  When I just turned 16, I skipped school with a friend, to go to another town to meet a “Healer/wise woman”. Who used automatic writing to tell messages from spirits. Among everything she said to me, there was one prophecy that I laughed when I heard it. She said “I see you wearing a uniform and carrying bags, you will travel more than anyone in your family. You will be in strange lands with strange people. Your life will change with your travels as well you will change others through your travels”  I  though that what she said was pure amusement and far from be a reality, however what she said that day, had stick with me most of my life.

Nether less to say, my life did a 360 beyond my comprehension months after her prediction.

Her prophecy have come true many times through my life. I have traveled to foreign  lands since my 17th Birthday. To add more to it, I joined the US Army four days before my 27th Birthday. Joining the military, took me to even more far land and be among strangers. I wore an Army uniform for 20 years of my life, carrying bags everywhere I went. I have being in half of Europe, Bosnia (1995-96 war), Japan (2 times), Kuwait / Iraq (2008-09) and USA (East/South/West/Mid-West).

With all those travels, I have always celebrated my birthdays away from my homeland and family, always in far land among strangers.

Today, is my 49th Birthday, I am in a new state, alone, unemployed and living in a transitional housing for Veterans for the time being. I can literally say that with this birthday (despite all the obstacles, life have thrown at me), I am celebrating more than another year in my life…..

         Yes, I am celebrating the freedom of being who I am today.


I will never be shame of my true age, making it to 49th I found it quite amusing and full of wonder of what is next, LOL I laugh about it, since there no reasons for tears—life is too short and I have made my mission to enjoy every minute of it, not as my last but as my first.

I believe the best gift I have today, its to be able to look back and see that God have always being in my travels no matter how far and dangerous they were. To see that those foreign lands and places, became my home for the time being. That my life changed with my travels for better or worst, as well I change other’s lives. That no matter how lonely I felt, they were always someone to remember me, hug me and say “Happy Birthday”.

Celebrating the freedom of who I am, is the best celebration of my life, no matter how painful it have being or many obstacles I have encounter through it. No matter how many times others have try to change me into their ways with no success, or have done me wrong--I have standing tall and fight my way to be me at all times.

All I can say to you when you birthday comes, don’t see it as another year passed by, or something to be shame for… celebrate it as a day that is yours, a day for joy, a day to be grateful for all the experiences in your life good or bad.. because what you have done in your life, shapes who you are today.

Happy 49th Birthday to me!

Love and Light Everyone!

Resentment While On Spiritual Path

“Resentment or grudges do no harm to the person against whom you hold these feelings but every day and every night of your life, they are eating at you”. ~~ Norman Vincent Peale

The definition of “Resentment” is the experience of a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done. It seems to me that when we embark in seeking a spiritual path, is when most negative feelings comes to surface, forcing us to deal with it in one way or another.

It’s not how you go by it, but what you learn from it, consequently moving on with your life and away from such negative feeling.

Like many others, I have being victim of resentment coming from others, making me wonder if is perhaps my hard core honesty that hurt them or perhaps my rejection. Feeling the resentment from this specific individual makes me take a deep look of how I see myself through this situation. Am I a victim or am I the villain in this situation? Or perhaps both? This all relate to “action and reaction law” or “cause and effect” of a specific event.

Through my life experience, I have found that the most resentful people I have ever met happen to call themselves, “Light Workers” or “Spiritual people”. Yes, I am talking about those that scream through their heart that they only work with the light, or live the path of truth. Funny is that they only brought this up when they have been put in the spot or their true self have been questioning. Consciously or unconsciously they are hindering their own spiritual path as a consequence. Do I hate this type of individual? No, but I have to admit I feel resentful of being blame for “imagined wrong done” by this individual.

I have done and said things for the sake of people I have known, that in turn it back fired me when I was naïve or ignorant of their true psychological state.

I have come to the conclusion that being resentful is not for my highest good and neither for the highest good of who I feel resentment for. As we attract what we fear most, we also attract to ourselves what we resent in others and I no longer want to be part of it in any sense or form. I have learn that when I resent others for their actions towards me, it really stop my progress through spirituality. This is because I stop in what I was doing, to analyze the reasons, caused and effects of the event for too long. Finding that I waste precious time through it, when I could involve myself in more creative ways to enhance my soul and evolve. It’s no longer a matter of question of who is to blame for, but how I move on while forgiving those that I resent or receive resentment from. I acknowledge that in order to go forward in my soul evolution, I have to let go of resentment for good.

Trust me; this is not an easy task at all, but a constant work. However, I am not going to stop in better myself while purging these feelings, because my aim is to evolve as a soul. Things do happen for a reason and there is a lot to learn from the feeling of resentment and how we feel from those that are resentful toward us.

Love and Light Everyone!

“Nothing on Earth consumes a man more quickly that the passion of resentment”. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

My Life As a Bookshelf

As we go through life, sooner or later we face the question about our existence and what we have learned from it. I am sure we all have our stories and theories of what life is about and moreover, there is no right or wrong from it, since it’s a matter of perception.

Today, I ponder about what have being my life and what popped into my mind, was a big bookshelf full of books, bookends and decorations.

No, I don’t mean this from the fact that I love to read books, but from the wisdom I got while filling my bookshelf (life/human body) with books (knowledge) through my entire life. The way I see how we start life as a bookshelf, start through birth, with an empty new bookshelf. As we grow up, we start our first book  from recognizing our parent’s faces and voices, to simple commands of how to behave among others. That first year of life turns into the first book in our bookshelf, full of experiences and emotions, that we soon mastered it, moving on to acquire more books.

As we go through life, we acquire books on subjects like family, honor, values, religion, love, marriage, divorce, sadness, friendship, betrayal, abuse, among many others. We get books from self help to dramatic novels, from which some of us tend to live the drama over and over, making it part of our lives as an extension of us.

Sometimes, we allow others to wonder in our bookshelf. We even share our books or give them away,  or perhaps we read passages from our books to others, thinking that they might need the knowledge more than us. Sometimes we show our bookshelf to others, bragging about what we have, in which most cases, is full of books that we started but never finished. Some of us, put doors with keys on our bookshelf, thinking that we can keep our books guarded from others, while others put glass doors into it, like telling you  that you can see but you can’t touch.

As years pass, we either take care of our life’s bookshelf by giving it a fixing upper of varnish, add odd colors to it, adding/ taking shelves from it, expanding up or sideways or perhaps just shining its surface with oils.

On the sad side, some of us, often forget to take care of the bookshelf by becoming busy reading one book over and over, consequently allowing dust and bugs to be rambling around our bookshelf and into the rest of our books.  Then we give a good look at it and we choose of either clean it or have others to clean it for us. Some just stop reading books and abandon the bookshelf, thinking that its not worth it to keep on with it.

Looking at the books in my life’s bookshelf, I see all sizes, from thick to thin books. Some have colorful covers, while others are dark. Some look new, others showing signs of years pass. Some have bookmarks with colorful tassels or a bended page, to remind me to go back to it, when needed. Some of the book I started them with lots of enthusiasm putting it quick to the side, to wonder in other books, soon forgetting to finish what I started or what I have learned so far.

At one point or another, we start to organize on our books and after remembering what we have learned from certain category of books, we decided to add a bookend.

Sometimes we use those bookends to change our whole outlook in life and consequently we start acquire books with subjects new to us, starting a new collection of books. As the bookshelf gets old and its shelves cave in with the weight of the books we have acquired, we start wondering, what we can do with it. As everything in life, we have choices… we can give away and share our books to release the weight on the shelves, or we can start fill some of its shelves with decorations instead of books, to remind us the simple things of life that give us joy.

I have faced my bookshelf today and have noticed all the books, bookends and decorations in it, some of them I am proud of it, some of them not so…I am cleaning it up the best I can, shaping it to match my higher self.  I know for certain, that when my bookshelf stop to exist in this lifetime… all the knowledge and experience I got from its books, I am taking it with me… because is what makes me who I am…

I am sure that in the next life, I will have a new bookshelf and will continue getting more books…

Love and Light Everyone!

When The Energy of a Place Takes Life of It's Own!

       Have you ever, being in a place that for no particular reason changes your own personality or perhaps your circumstances? If you answer is yes, believe me--you are not alone. Taking in consideration that everything around us is “energy” as well we are sources of energy through our emotions; believe me the energy of a place can affect us in tremendous ways.

Some people are more sensitive to energy compared to others, but when an “Empath” is exposing to such, it can bring them to their knees beyond comprehension.

       Back in the 60s, while in Puerto Rico, I grew up in a new house, surrounded by mostly older people, since their behavior was extremely conservative, I grew up being very shy for no physical reason. My parents thought there was something wrong with me that even put me through doctors with the hope to find something physical but no results.

Right after in my teenager years, we moved to a house that literally set my family apart. Understanding energy, now I am convincing there was something to do with the energy of the house itself. Digging on the story of the house, I found out that a woman died at the house after have being abandon by a spouse and her hate for man took her to her grave.

While living in that house, the verbal fights started, alone all of us being on each other’s throat. Everyone change in behavior in ways too long to describe. Eventually, my mother was abandon by my father and she ended up hating man until this day. More odd was, during my first marriage, we moved to that house and yes, the same pattern of energy disrupted us causing the same effect and outcome.

We fill the air with our emotions and thoughts, which consequently turn into energy.

To save the marriage, I moved to Germany where I stationed with the Army and felt like the whole energy of the old house lifted up from us. However, I soon noticed that the area where we were at, was where some significant WWII events took place and the energy staggered in the place soon reveled itself. It was a constant sensation of sorrow, desperation, hope and at times terror.

By the time, I moved to Ft. Lee VA just my daughter and me, soon things started to change to worst. I thought that the divorce created discordance between us, but soon I learn that our back yard was the Petersburg  battlefields during the "Civil War". Such energy almost destroyed us.

Right after, I moved to Mississippi and sure, we engaged in an energy ride from hell. We are near to not only another "Civil War" battlefield, but also close where old plantations used to be at. You can only imagine the type of energy I am exposing every day. The worst of this place is the people that constantly revive that past by feeding themselves with greed, racisms and hate.

Over here, the energy has taken a life of its own, capable to disrupt the most spiritual person and more beyond an “Empath”.

I have come to a point in which I want to leave this place but for each attempt I do, the negative energy of this place, try to hold me down by causing more disruption in my life. I remember before I moved here my aunt told me “do not move to Mississippi, people that go there either disappear or have back luck”. I thought she was full of it but now I can see why… it is the energy of the place that makes people behaves in odd ways, consequently affecting everyone’s lives and circumstances.

I am sure if you have traveled around the world like myself, you can see the difference in energy and emotions from place to place. You might think, there is no safe place where to be, however there are places where the energy is better than others. Just do your homework when decided to move to a place, because not everything that look beautiful at first, is what it “feels” like later on…

Love and Light Everyone!
xoxo

Tomorrow Will Be Better Than Today…

   When things gone wrong in our lives, how many times we have heard that “tomorrow will be better than today”?  I bet you you heard it many times. We heard  it from others as a consolation statement and we even repeat it in our heads in an attempt to believe that tomorrow somehow, will be better than today….but how about if you don’t see that tomorrow?

   I have come to the understanding that if today things in my life are not right and if I don’t do anything about it to fix it, sure enough, I won’t see tomorrow being better than today.

I said this because most of us,  go through life with ideals of what should be perfect. Like the perfect job, perfect marriage, perfect family, and perfect relationships with our friends. When things goes wrong with those ideals, we have the choices to either change it, change ourselves, tolerate it or walk away from it. However, most of us ended up tolerate it or put up with it, by compromising and consequently making everyone happy but ourselves.


On the other hand, must of us go through life by building our own little worlds around those perfect ideals, forgetting that if we don’t take care of us from within and work toward better ourselves as human beings, we will not see tomorrow being better than today. Some of us just seat and wait for miracles, forgetting that even miracles need a prayer and intention to manifest. Others go pretending to have a perfect life by putting a show of happiness and abundance for everyone to see it  or becoming a walking bill board screaming “I am happy” while their inner truth are rotten them from inside. 

You see, everything is about choices and with those choices, you have to find balance.

Looking at my life, I have noticed that I made choices of tolerate others without saying a word or a complain to them, because of the fear to be alone. Like others, I made the mistake to try to change them with love or by pleasing them---finding later on, that they have their own karma to carry and it’s not up to me to change others but up to them to change their own ways, perhaps by my example. You see, we are responsible for our own happiness and that happiness should not be the slavering of your own self for others. It’s funny how we confuse real love at times, isn’t it?.


I just came to the choice to change myself to a better me, while walking away from those that refuse to better themselves. I realized, that to see a better tomorrow, its start within me while changing my surroundings. After years of tolerating others, I am walking away leaving them with their own karma, while I will try to recover from all the bad choices I have made. I need to do this today, in order to see a better tomorrow. All I can tell you is, that what ever is wrong in your life today, do what ever it takes to make  it what you want it to be in reality, but by all means do not tolerate or put up with it, because if you do, you will loose your truth self and the opportunity to be happy.
Love and Light Everyone!
xoxo

48 Going On 26!

     Yes, another Birthday!… I never thought I would make it this far, as matter of fact, I always thought that I will die young, gosh.. how wrong I was about that one!.. here I am celebrating my 48th Birthday.. another day in my life.

You may wonder why I say “48 going on 26”, is because at 26th I was in the best physical shape and it was the start of my adventure through the whole world.

Here I am at home, looking back at my life and getting amaze by everything I have gone through, in this past 48 years. It’s like my life has being mark with adventure and tragedy all at once. I have gone through bad childhood, spouse abuse, divorce, two marriages, motherhood from hell, two battlefield experience while in the military, traveling half of the world, law enforcement work, and fewer brushes with death.

I have lived a very intense life, maybe more than other people I have known. Those days were hell and despite all my emotions and actions of those days, I survived each one of them. I don’t consider myself lucky at all, but in a way I think I have being Bless by God.. because despite the consequence of my free will and actions at times, he has managed to put me back in the path of my life’s mission.

At this point, I don’t think is about how much I have acquire through life, but how I lived and survived it.. giving me the experience and wisdom I have today. Gosh, I wished I have knew then, what I know now, I am sure it would save me so much tears and grief. However, everything happened for a reason or purpose and I have 48 years not only to witnessed it but to understand it.

Someone asked me, if I can travel through time to change something from my life that I didn’t like, what it would be? I thought for few minutes on this question and I came to the conclusion that even the good or bad experiences and those that I am not proud at all from it.. I wouldn’t change a thing, because I believe it was necessary to live through it. I believe, if I would change something, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

In the last 17 years, I have always celebrate my birthday away from my homeland Puerto Rico, always being in a different part of the world, doing things that I never thought in a million years I will be doing, and today is not different. Today I am in my house alone with my two cats, waiting for my husband to come home. I don’t feel literally alone, because despite my friends and family are miles away, there are always with me where ever I am.

Yes, I have lots to celebrate today--not only because is my birthday, but because I have a lifetime to be grateful for, a lifetime which made who I am today..   Happy Birthday to me! .. :)

Love and Light everyone! xoxo

Contagious Diseases: “I Can’t” Syndrome

     This disease is more common in our society or way of life that most people think. Although several of us have suffered from this disease, most survived it through positive thinking and change of outlook. The symptoms of “I can’t Syndrome” are more visible, when most people are unable to clear their minds to see the solutions and substitute the needed of action by saying “I can’t”. Be advice, this disease can be contagious with constant interaction with affected individuals.

Origins of “I can’t Syndrome:
Childhood

Some of the victims of this disease come from child abuse or

Movers And Shakers: People That Empower Us In Our Spiritual Path

       No matter in what path we are going through, we find people with energetic demeanor, who initiate change and influence us in our path. Yes, we can find movers and shakers every where we go and the legacy that they left with the lessons they teach us, remain with us for the rest of our existence. They don’t have to be public figures, they could be the next door neighbor, co-worker, family, friends or perhaps… you.

     Lets take for example of Mother Teresa of Calcutta, who's kindness and love made people to look the good in others, no matter their nature. She gave herself to the world, despite of being filled with so much corruption and malice and still there was love from her to give unconditionally. I am certain that you have met someone like Mother Teresa in your life and wonder how can they be the way they are.

    I am very sure that despite all the kindness and love of this woman, she got her moments of self doubt and despair. She might wonder if there was enough time to do what she wanted change among those she met in her path, or perhaps wondering if everything she have done was worth it.

   You might think that to be like this woman, it takes a special breed of human being, but in reality it only takes will power and plenty of love to give to others. Despite her fame, she lived with little human comfort because she didn’t want anything for herself. She wanted everything for everyone in need. She was a brave woman that spoke her truth to others to either make change or create consciousness among those that turn their back with apathy.

She did her work in such a way and without fear, that perhaps is what made her so special all around the globe.

I can say, I have met a woman like Mother Teresa, when I was just 6 years of age. Sister Graciela was her name and she was a Catholic nun, in the school I was attending the first grade. She was young but her love and kindness was such, that every time I saw her, it was like seeing sunshine for the first time. I don’t believe of her being a Catholic nun, it have to do with her love and kindness, because among the other nuns, she was one of the kind. I only spent one year in that school, but I still can remember her kind words and feel the love she was giving without reservations. Through the years, I learn that she died in her 80s from pneumonia as I was told. It was awful to learn of her death through other school mates that keep up with her through the years. However, her teachings of kindness and genuine love, have stayed with me through the years. I learn through her, that despite we find people in our lives that mistreat us in all kind of ways, we still can find people willing to be kind and loving.

As we go through our path, we can also find people that make us think and are capable to provoke change with just spoken words.

      Lets take for example the Dali Lama, who's wisdom have empower the world and have created people to think in better themselves. He can be many things among being a religious figure, but with his words, to me he is a healer. He lived his live dedicated to the spiritual path and teach what he has learned through his actions and words.

I have heard people that met The Dali Lama saying that to be around this man, is like feeling the vibration of Love like not other from any other human being. This man is real simple and always smiling like the world as we know it and despite its misery, still worth saving it. He walks the walk and talks the talk, indeed.

There is people like him in our lives, not wearing the long ropes of course, but with such wisdom that when they speak to us in the moment we need it most, they are capable to make us think and provoke change.

I can say in my case, that person was my grandfather Julio, who claimed to be one of the last descendant of The Taino Indians. He was a farmer, that never went to school because he have to work since early age. However, despite that he didn’t know how to write or read, his wisdom still remain with me. I loved to visited him in his farm, and stay the weekend. There was no electricity and neither hot water, he lived as a poor person and fed himself from what he planted in his land.

He tough me to love the Earth and nature as he sometimes compared it with people. I remember him going out of his way to bring me any fruit I might crave for and the stories he told me about old times, as well what he knew about his Indian heritage as his father tough him. He always had an answer for anything and delivered in the most simple ways, always creating a laugh. Despite his lack of education, he tough himself to play the guitar and the Cuatro which is a Puertorrican cord instrument. He sat in his rocking chair right after dinner and play his music that echo through the whole farm among with the sounds of crickets and Coquies. He was always willing to give advice in my dealings with my strange mother. He might not be the an ideal father to my mother as she told me, but to me he was a healer and his medicine was his words of kindness and wisdom. He died of Cancer when I was in my early 20s and despite his physical absent, I still remember him like it was those days, always smiling and saying something that empower my day.

As you see, the movers and shakers that we find in our lives, don’t have to be a public figure, they are right in your path when you need them most. They can be a stranger and still leave a mark in your life that you carried with you from which I might say it will be there beyond death. We can learn so much from them with just an act of love and kindness, or perhaps a word being said.

If you haven’t met any person that haven’t empower you through your spiritual path, don’t let apathy take the best of you. Just become a mover or a shaker and let the rest of the road to lead you. Believe, you can change people around you and the world as you know it, if you only try.. .

Love and Light Everyone!

Tough Love: When Expectation Meets Reality

      Sometimes we have the expectation that in order to become spiritual; we have to take abuse or misunderstanding from those that are no longer in our vibration state. This type of spirituality or expectation would be suitable of the life of Jesus and some might say that we have to be like Jesus of the Bible, which there is nothing wrong by being like him, since is a choice. However, sometimes we have to cut ties with friends, as Jesus did in the desert with Satan, in which we have to show some tough love to those that no longer are in our resonation for them to realize the lack of it.

     I have seeing in few spiritual groups the drama that has taken place lately, due to the expectation of members in what should be a “spiritual person” or a “Worker of light”. It is like seeing the Bible story about Jesus in the Temple, being play itself repeatedly, in which he is confront with the judgment of religious figures while in the Temple. If I recall that story well, the so call high religious figures, masters of knowing the word of God, no only question him being the Son of God, but also questioning what is spiritual in him. I am sure that you have seen the same pattern of behavior of heighten Ego among these religious figures in any spiritual or like minds group you belong to in nowadays.

     Yes, there different personalities and vibration state among the members of a group or businesses while we all deal with them in our daily life whether we like it or not. We all face heighten Egos who dares to questioning our connection with God as well being judge as non spiritual, once we dissociated with anyone that we don’t resonate with any more, like Jesus did with Satan in the desert.

Seeing this entire drama that has taking place in the past days, and from which I have become subject of judgment by others that claim to be more spiritual than me, now I started wondering.  Should I took the abuse and judgment as Jesus did in the Temple because I should be a loving person or refused anything Satan said and offered in the desert in order to keep myself as Holy as God made me. As you see, in either way situation, Jesus won over judgment and temptation, because he made a choice. We all learn through our lives to respect the choices, Jesus made through the Bible, why is so difficult to respect the choices of others around you?

We go through life expecting a lot from people and sadly, it comes the time in which we have to face reality. Consequently, we have to show some tough love to those that we love,  as well those that are our friends and family, in order to keep ourselves as whole. Remember, is a choice.

I made a choice of not take any abuse from anyone in any form, as well disassociated with those I no longer resonate with, that is my choice. Am I less loving because of my choice? Am I less or non-spiritual comparing with you, because of my choice? Am I plagued with entities or negativity because of my choice? For those that dares to judged me, please tell me, Am I?

The whole deal, made me wonder, if anyone has a clear view of what Love and Spirituality is about. Personally, I do not think neither of us have a clear view, because in our human condition we tend to see things, as it should be instead. More over, when our Ego is on the way, we do not agree with what we see, we tend to change it into our like and swear by that is as what we say it is. Although I have an idea of what Love is, I frankly do not know what spirituality is, but I take the daily challenge to figure it out as I go in my path and I try harder everyday to see it as what it is, instead of what it should be, but that is my choice as well.

With this post, I am not angry with anyone, why should I be? we all have choices and it should be respect it as what it is. I am just reflecting in the past in order to go forward into my future and hope that if you are in similar situation, you will be able to do the right choice and move on with your life. Remember, tough love can be a win/win situation like in Jesus case. So make your choice and continue living, there is more life ahead as well more experiences full of lessons.

Love and Light Everyone! :)

Lights and Sounds during Meditation

       In the last days or so, I have been drained, stressed out and tire. I thought might be the helicopter trip of the other weeks, alone with all the changes going on in my life lately. I been getting new energies on me lately as well, that are hard to explain, which for some reason, they have left me with a constant tingling almost pain on my crown chakra and 3rd eye.

       All these have left me a little confuse at times, lack of memory and out of focus for a couple of days. I just couldn't take it too long and my good friend Joanne did some Reiki on me last night, which it did me, a lot of good.

Despite all the stress and anger I faced after the healing. I went to my room and tried to center myself as well grounding and clear my aura/chakras. I was able to focus despite everything was against it.

While meditating, right after I center myself, I started to hear a men voice, like coming from a radio that is out of frequency, heard him on my left ear like coming through my pillow. Trying to make sense of what he was saying, I gather that he was repeating "Understand, understand, understand". I said to myself, OK, I got that! Now what do I need to understand? Since I didn't hear the voice any more, I tried to focus in my meditation and the unusual happen. I was like bathed into different tones of lights, but the funny thing about it, was that each light had a different tone sound to it. I felt that tone sound so loud and deep right on my 3rd eye and crown chakra, it was almost unbearable. It was a sound like coming from a Chinese Gong.

I think the meditation lasted me maybe 10 to 15 minutes human time, but it last long enough, for me to remember everything I felt and saw. Among the colors I saw, there was from light to dark blue, silver gray and blue gold color, each with a different tone to it. I start to wonder, does any of you have this experience before, am I started finally to loose it? Or falling out of my tree kind of thang?LOL

Feb 5th, 2009--Update on this meditation:

Last night I came to make sense with it, when I finished to read my book "Connecting with the Arcturians" from David K. Miller. The last paragraph of the book was talking about that when you are in the path of accession into another realm or dimension. Your DNA code opens up, code by code and the sign of that opening, is by hearing sound and bathed by "energy" rays of light. I am going to write the quote from the book below:

When a code within you is ready to open, you will hear a certain tone, and you will suddenly experience a burst of energy within your being. As part of their mission, the Arcturian groups of forty will help to activate others so they can also receive the energy burst and experience the opening of the codes. Some of you already had these openings. Once you have experienced the energy burst and the opening of a code, you be able to receive specific instructions on what to do next. You have known about the example of Moses going up to Mount Sinai. he received a burst of energy, and the codes were opened for him. Moses was then given instructions on what messages to deliver to his people.

This passage on the book, it really raised antennas on me as a reminder of my meditation experience. The answer is within us at all times, its in our DNA higher self. To raise our body in vibration to another dimension, our DNA code has to be open to accept the flow of energy that our bodies will encounter during accession or transport to the next dimension. You are on the 3rd dimension now, you next evolution step is to move on from this dimension to the next. You can acquire this through meditation, high states of consciousness.

I must tell you, when I read this, I was crying of happiness, I couldn't stand myself of how happy I was. Wonder if others have the same experience as me...

UPDATE: Since I have being in this path (April 2007), I have experienced wonderful vivid dreams, the clear sound of voices, learned how to meditate, get protection, grounding and centering. My intuition have sharpen a little more and I am able to control or ease my mind more as I progress into meditations. My perception and how I look at things now, have change since I take time to look, listen and feel. My outlook of what is life after death and what is my birth vision it comes clear to me as days pass by. I have grown fast and suddenly it halt for a couple of weeks but slowly its coming back again. I only hope all this take me to be a better person and to help others when the time comes.
So Help me God....

~ The Begining of My Spiritual Path

To start writing about my spiritual path, I have to start on what was like to be a child in those days. Spiritual people always told my mom and me, that I have the gift but I have never figure out what is that gift. I was around 5 or 6 years of age when I remember my mother going to Catholic Church by day and sneaking out by night into the voodoo priest with me. These voodoo places were full of people perhaps looking for answers as my mother. Some of the people were ill, poor and some wealthy. However, all looking for answers, readings from the other unseen world.

Every time, we came home from those places, my mom whooped me for my behavior. I came to realize later on that she felt embarrassed of me. Since although I was 5 years of age, I used to stare at people, tell them in an adult voice their past, present, and even from what they will die. This behavior of mine, scared people and embarrassed my mom dearly. I remember her telling me, “do not do this”, “stay with me at all time”, “Do not stare and talk to people” or “I whoop your butt when we get home”. I tried to please her all my life with the intention to make her at least to like me but I gave up thru the years on that matter. I remember she got into bad witchcraft, voodoo and everything was with intention to eliminate her enemies or people that wish her bad by doing bad to them. Later on, she walked away from it and embraced the religion with the same passion she once embraced pagan rituals. I saw her slowly turning into an advocate of virtue and dare to tell others that she was a saint sent by God and others were devils. Of course, the devils were all the people that do not agree with her way of thinking or her demands.

As she continue in this path, she continue shooting me down on my gift, saying to me that I have to fight it since that is the devil talking not God talking thru me. Then as I turn 15, she turned dangerous in her endeavors as so-called born Christian. She started to make up her own bible, saying that God talks to her into her dreams. However, to a rational or very Christian person, they would not believe that the voices my mother heard was coming from God itself. It was too odd; God is about love, not about jealousy and doing wrong things. At least that is the way I see him. Every time, I disagreed with her, she grabbed my by the hair and dragged me from the bedroom to the kitchen and believe me it was a long way. She bitted me up and when neighbors came to my rescue all she said was that I have the devil inside and she as a mother was to exorcize me for my own sake. I most tell you, I was exorcizing so many times I lost count. At the end, we both walked away from our path.

I had gone to every religion available and churches and did not find what ever I was looking for. I forgot completely about those years of abuse. I have walked so many paths and although I did not go back to a church, God has always being in my mind and in my life. I always think that things in life happen for a reason and there is always a reason for things to happen. I have never used the pendulum and just recently after serious events happen in my life striking me all at once in 7 days. I got a white paper, draw a cross, and wrote “yes” on the horizontal line and “no” on the vertical line. Lighted up a candle, took my gold cross and use it as pendulum above this paper with my most profound prayer to God. I do not remember what I asked or what the answer was. However, when I realize what I have done, it come the question “What am I doing? Why I am doing this? I jumped online searching for information and came upon dowsers and I remember my grandpa used a piece of wood (“Y” rod) to find water all the time but I thought that was old folk’s tales. However, it came to me that there is more into this and old memories came upon me of all those days in which spiritual people told me that I have a gift that I need to develop.

Through my whole life, I have believed that there is something about me, that I cannot explain. I do not see spirits but feel their presents. I feel them when they go thru my body leaving a tingly feeling on the back of my neck that goes from head to toes for a minute or so. Dying people I have come in contact has transfer their pain and sorrow by me touching them. I can tell when someone is lying to me or hidden information from me. I could tell the intentions of a person when I first meet them but cannot put into words, I just stay away from that person. I am 44 years old now and up to this day; I still find spiritual people that tells me that I have a gift that I need to develop. What is that gift in reality, I do not know. However, for sure I came to the end of the road in which I have to stop fighting it since I am tire. I have to embrace it and put it in the hands of God since after all; things in life happen for a reason and there is always a reason for things to happen. My journey just began...I need to pick up where I left that so call “gift”. We will see in time…………..